What is this "school" of which you speak of?

I don't really hate school.

I hate school because

• I have to wake up in the morning
• I have to go to school even though I'm not learning anything
• I have to take so long to travel even though my place isn't particularly far from school itself
• I have to take modules that are not related to what I want to learn
• I have to conform into this thing that my teachers want me to be
• Crowded cafeteria
• I need to climb a hill to get to my block
• There are a couple of modules where I need to be in school to get work done

Besides that, school's been fine. I hope school's been fine for you too.

Goodnight.

I know I am good for something

I just haven't found it yet.

Insecurities. (Do you want a list?)

I'm awkward around new people. I hate eating alone. I find it hard to get my order right when the Starbucks barista is cute. I hate missing out. I wish I could lose a few kilos. I hate attracting attention, I much rather blend in.

How about that?

I'm not a fan of meeting new people. I just don't know how to talk to them. I'm always afraid that if you bring me to a party with people I haven't met before and you're the only one I know, I would be too shy to socialize and would follow you around like a puppy all day. And that'll be awkward for everyone. I like it when they break the ice though and be the one to initiate conversations because God knows I wouldn't. Idk. I just find that I'm really quiet around people I don't know much. I've always wished to have the confidence "high girls" have. I could join camps and school socials and have fun in them.

I hate eating alone. Period. There's not really much to say.

I can't talk properly if the barista is more than average looking. I keep messing up my order. I learnt to either ask someone to order for me and if I'm alone, survey the staff first an if the guy taking orders is cute, I just won't buy. I know it's stupid. Also: when choosing seats in the bus, I always choose to either sit alone, next to a girl, or the least attractive guy. In the order. The chances of you making an ass of yourself increases tenfolds when within a meter radius of an attractive person. Yep. I avoid them like the plague. I don't deprive myself from observing from a respectable distance. No, not stalking.

I hate missing out. This is a little bit complicated. Like I don't like being the minority not invited to an "outing". Even if I don't really want to go and I'm not really interested, it'd still be nice to get invited. I know it's stupid, but I want to be invited more than I actually want to go. This is not actually a big deal. I don't hate it, I just sorta mind.

I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I hate being stared at, it's the most uncomfortable thing, unless it's warranted. Like if I'm with friends and we're causing a scene in public, that's fine. But being the center of attention, like giving a speech, receiving a price on stage, getting mentioned by the teacher.. Those kind of things? I hate them. You could say I don't like standing out. I would take plain clothes to flashy ones any day.

Hope the last point made sense. I have a lot of insecurities and I'm honest about them. Oh is that a redeeming quality? No? Okay.

WHO EDITED MY BLOGPOST. -_- nvm I know whooooo.

anyway, Im so sorry I havn't blogged. haha was out the whole day & night. just woke up not long ago :)

One of the insecurities I have is probably the fear of lonliness -- not like eating alone or shopping alone -- but knowing that you're the only one in the world who understands or identifies with you. Like how you're in a crowd and you still feel lonely, like you have no one to talk to about life with, share it with. I've felt like that before, and trust me, I don't want to feel like that ever again.

I don't like it when people that I'm close with suddenly not talk to me or communicate with me (and I mean not answering their calls or giving me attitude when I talk to them) because they have some stupid reason to give later on. I think that's just shit. It's flaky because there is no substance in it. The definition of a flaky friend doesn't mean that they don't share your moments with you, nor does it mean they don't share with you their secrets or whatever. Flaky just means lack of commitment. I mean, if we were really friends, good friends or best friends and you had a problem with me, then by all means argue and tell me you're unhappy, as much as you want to. Don't deliberatly give the cold shoulder just because you feel like it.

like any relationship to grow, both must be willing to grow together, both must be looking forward to solve the problem instead of creating a bigger hole. I've come to realise, a true friend lays down one's life for another. If you have a problem, that friend would be there for you in open arms when you need him or her to. Nobody's perfect, and I myself is learning to be a better friend too. Along the way, I realise that I don't want to live to please people, because keeping up with pleasing them is too tiring and unrewarding.

Lonely, she is missus lonely.

"An idle mind is the devil's workshop"

Loneliness has got to be one of my insecurities. I can't stand eating alone at food courts or restaurant or watch a movie alone not even shopping alone! I admire people who actually enjoys the solitude moments doing their own thing. When i am alone, my mind tend to turn on hyper-drive on the negative output end. It's like my alter-ego in my mind converses with me and would not let the physical-me win the argument, thus the negative thoughts. That is not to say that I am nuts, please, I'm sure we've seen/heard worse...right? Anyway, I don't don't spend time on my own because of that; I frequently jog on my own, study in the library alone and joy-ride on my own. I'm not sure to put it as pathetic or what but yes, that's all.
Maybe sometimes, just sometimes, that i like some quality time on my own; to sort out some private thoughts and issues but other times, if i can help it, i really would rather hang out with someone.

Just a random fact to end off insecurities ; there is no such law as molestation for the male species.

HAHAHAHA.

xoxo,
T

Hold On

I've never really thought about my insecurities. I've had a number of people come up to me and tell me, "Liza, I'm quite jealous of you. You're like, ok no offense, but you're like big-sized, but you're confident and you don't seem like you have any insecurities". I think it's true, but not true.

I know that I have insecurities, but I'm honestly not that aware of what they actually are. After thinking for awhile, I think one of my insecurities is being left behind. Not in a OMGZFOREVERALONE way, but in a losing out kind of way. Like I don't want to miss a party, because I don't like missing out on a joke. Or I don't want to miss a group meeting, because I don't want people to finalize details without being able to give my own opinion. Do you get what I mean? Yeah.

I try not to get this insecurity get the best of me, like force myself to go for all these things just because I don't want to be left behind, because I think it's really ridiculous. It doesn't make sense to keep thinking that way. It's just mentally and physically exhausting.

So that is all.

I've done nothing, but rot in my bed and throw money (that isn't even officially mine) to companies who are sadly very willing to accept them. I've gotten books, a pair of sports shoes, an oversized jumper, a Wacom Bamboo Pen tablet, and I'm still want to get my Twin Reflex Camera, flatforms and Settle The Kettle CD by 53A. Oh the material lusts for things and things.

I've been good. I hope you're all good as well.

Goodnight.

Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year!

Hi guys.

Happy New Year and stuff! :)

When I was a kid, the first thing I remembered wanting is to be a forensics agent. I didn't know what it's called but I remembered I wanted to be that. I didn't want it for long though. Being a stewardess, however, is something that I wanted for a long period of time, starting when I first visited Singapore and had my first airplane ride. They're all so nice and pretty. Yeah, well, just with the former, I already fail.

I also remembered wanting to be the guy who prints money. I figured I could do over-times and I wouldn't mind. I thought I could print all the money I want and give some to this old man who sells Sampaguitas outside the church every Sunday. My 8 year old self was quite taken with him. He had did grandfather look and he looked too frail and old to work, but he was always smiling and singing a song, I was so sad for him. I always made a point to buy some even though we don't have an altar at home to put it to. Bless my kind 8 year old heart. Also, I've always dreamt of lying down on a bed of paper money. I was so broken hearted when I learnt printing money doesn't work the way I've always imagined it to.

I already consider myself a grown-up, but I still don't know what I wanna do or what I want to be in life. So I'll just go for the cliched thing: I wanna be happy.

EWW. CORNY.

Hey guys! Happy New Year! :) This is officially the first post of 2012 :D

When I was young I had a bunch of things that I wanted to be. At first it was a teacher, coz that was probably the first job I knew (and maybe because my mum was a teacher too). Later on, I wanted to be a detective, and then I promoted myself to become a spy (I always think spies are cooler than detectives. heh. Mission Impossible > Sherlock holmes) lol. Actually one time I wanted to be a bug collector of some sort too. haha. I still didn't know what I loved and wanted to do even when I was in sec 1, then came sec 2 where I wanted to be an architect because my mum wanted to be one and I thought she'd be happy if "I lived her dream", but that didn't really last long.

In the end I wanted to be an album/book illustrator (bet you guys didn't know that!).

But you guys all know that all of that changed. :D

It is the most retarded thing I've done in my life actually, switching my medium of art from that of paper to film. I still recall the day I decided to be a film-maker. It was surreal actually. Surreal because I felt like I was the only being on the planet being introduced to a huge big secret.

I would call it a "God Moment" if there was a name for such a surreal feeling.

So in the end, I want to be a Movie director when I grow up. (and if I have a shot at MVs then why not do both.) :)

Film, to me, is just beautiful. Its a perfect combination of the things I love -- Words, Picture & Music.

:)

OKay that's it! I hope you guys have an awesome 2012! may it be the best ass-kicking year yet! :D

Cheers

G